When smartphones get in the way of social connectedness
Don’t let your phone be an intruder in the sacred space of a conversation
Image by Freepik
The Surgeon General’s 2023 Advisory report, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” calls on us to recognize the importance of social connectedness for our health and well-being. True social connection means more than just frequent contact—it’s about the depth and quality of those interactions. In other words, relationships should be rich in meaning and satisfaction, not merely routine.
Here’s the problem though: even when we have the chance to connect with others, we often aren’t fully present—our phones get in the way. Without thinking, we pull them out mid-conversation or mid-glance, and in that moment, we break the connection. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity for a meaningful and fulfilling interaction. What could have been a moment of genuine human understanding slips away, and we end up sabotaging our own ability to experience the richness of true connection.
Not too long ago I was at a restaurant and a young couple sat down at the table next to me. I guessed that they were on a date. Without a word, the man reached into his pocket and immediately pulled out his cell phone. Across from him, the woman alternated between glancing at him and scanning the room, clearly annoyed. The man remained oblivious to her, glued to his phone. Finally, in what seemed like an act of resignation, she pulled out her phone and started scrolling through it. The couple sat across from each other, a gulf of silence between them, each engrossed in their phones.
Connection—real human connection—is a fundamental need. Yet in our smartphone-saturated world, too many times we let our digital devices stand between us. Every day we see how easy it is to choose the screen over the person in front of us.
Even without using the phone, its mere presence reduces the quality of our interactions. A study done by researchers at the University of Virginia and University of British Columbia found that having smartphones nearby diminished people’s enjoyment of being with others face-to-face. In this experiment, one set of groups at a restaurant kept their phones on the table turned on, while another set of groups had their phones turned off and out of sight. Those with phones visible felt more distracted and reported less interest, enjoyment, and more boredom in the conversations.
Another study done by researchers at University of Essex also showed that just having a phone present during a conversation lowered feelings of closeness, trust, and empathy, especially during meaningful discussions. Similarly, researchers at Virginia Tech observed people in a coffee shop over a period of time, and found that those with phones out during conversations felt less connected and empathetic toward their partners.
Perhaps checking social media makes people happier than conversing with another person? It turns out that that’s not the case. A study I did with colleagues made that clear. We observed 32 people over five days in the workplace, capturing their face-to-face interactions with lightweight cameras that they wore, and also recorded when they were using social media. We measured their mood and found that people were happier during face-to-face interactions, compared to when using social media.
Why do people sabotage themselves by neglecting the person sitting right in front of them, someone who could offer genuine connection, in favor of a device that provides only fleeting gratification? Why do we act against our own best interests?
Psychologists Kahneman and Tversky have repeatedly demonstrated how irrational our decision-making can be. But our irrationality here is more than just poor judgment--it’s an affront to our own happiness, and betrays our fundamental need for connection. Yet, day after day, we succumb to the contents from our device, forsaking what might genuinely enhance our well-being.
The smartphone represents a connection to something bigger than our present setting: a gateway to limitless information, distant people, an arena of entertainment, in other words, a world that often feels more engaging than the one we're physically in. It distracts us, constantly dividing our attention between the tangible world around us and the ever-present digital realm that never stops beckoning. And so we are caught in a tension between paying attention to the individuals in front of us or to a larger remote world instantly accessible.
Perhaps it’s not so irrational when you consider the forces behind our compulsive phone use. First, there is the sheer force of habit. The tech company Asurion claims that people check their phones 352 times a day-- habits that strong don’t break easily. Job pressures push people to be on call—there’s always someone who needs you now. News is dynamic and people want to stay on top of events. We’re influenced by social pressure—when someone else pulls out their phone, we follow suit without thinking. And there is also the tech design, for example, with infinite scrolling interfaces and algorithms to capture your attention.
Canadian sociologist Erving Goffman, in his book The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, uses theater as a metaphor to describe face-to-face interactions--we’re the actors on stage, performing for those around us, shaping the impression we want others to have of us. But in the last two decades the phone has become more than a prop and has also become an actor in the performance, or rather it has become the audience. The impression we are now conveying is one of distraction and disinterest in the people around us. Our conversation partners in turn may be just as distracted themselves.
This isn’t the first time that objects have created barriers between people—books and newspapers have long put up walls at the meal table. What’s different now is that smartphones can create those walls anywhere. Societal norms have shifted making it now acceptable for a smartphone to interfere with a conversation. With this change, we’ve lost something else that’s crucial--spontaneous, unplanned moments of connection—serendipitous encounters that could lead to something more, maybe even a new friendship.
We need to work on changing our culture. Here's what we can all do as initial steps.
First, when you’re in a conversation, turn off your phone. But don’t just silence it—put it away, and even better, leave it in another room. Even when silenced, people still have the urge to check it.
if you’re expecting an important call, fine. We all have moments when life intrudes. But don’t disrespect the person in front of you. Let them know upfront that something pressing might come up. And when it does, excuse yourself. Keep it brief. Tell whoever’s on the line you’ll call them back because the person you're with deserves your full attention.
If you need to use your phone for something practical—like navigation or finding quick info—then include your partner in the process. Make it a shared experience, not a solo venture. The phone should become a tool for both of you, an accessory to the interaction, not the main event.
Finally, make a pact when you’re in an interaction, dinner or meeting: agree that phones stay out of sight. This is how we can begin to shift the culture, and focus on quality of social relationships.
We need to relearn the proper role of technology in our social interactions. When meeting in person isn’t possible, then Zoom, phone calls, or chat are good alternatives. But when face-to-face interactions are an option, we should prioritize them. Being fully present and engaged with someone offers far greater rewards than anything a phone screen can provide. Every moment spent looking at a screen is a lost opportunity to deepen a social connection. When you're with someone, be with them—don’t let your phone become a third party that intrudes on the conversation. Treat your phone like an unwanted guest, an intruder on what should be a sacred space of being with another person.
You can learn more about how our technology affects our social interactions in my book Attention Span.